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"Why this is Hell, nor am I out of it."--Marlowe. |
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Welcome to Hell. This is Old Scratch here, giving you your official welcome to Hell. It used to be that you actually had to die to get here, unless you were stuck in an elevator with nothing to do except read a collection of Family Circus cartoons, but now through the wonders of the Information Superhighway, you can get an ISDN connection straight to Hell. To really get into the spirit of things, though, you should be accessing this page with a 1200 baud modem.
Here at Hell we've been working our cloven hooves off to bring you the latest and newest diabolical wonders. This Web Site is your ticket to an eternity of damnation. Take advantage of this before it's too late.
Table of Contents
- Latest News
- Satan
- Selling Your Soul
- A Tourist's Guide to Hell
- Favorite Links
- New Home for VMI? Excerpt from New York Times, June 27, 1996: All may not be lost for the still-defiant leaders of the Virginia Military Institute, the all-male academy operated by the state of Virginia, despite the recent Supreme Court ruling overthrowing their men-only policy. Asking not to be identified, a member of the board of trustees indicated that the board was considering accepting an offer from Satan to relocate the academy to Hell. "He told us we could keep women out, or colored folks, or any other group we damned well please," said the member. "Frankly, we like the notion." The member admitted the academy would have to change its name to the Satanic Military Institute.
- White House Given Files from Hell. Excerpt from Knight-Ridder news service, June 24, 1996: In a crushing blow to Bill Clinton's re-election hopes, White House officials yesterday admitted to Congress that in addition to the approximately 700 files received by White House operatives from the Federal Bureau of Investigation, there were additionally some 250 files in White House possession that had been requested and received from Satan. According to sworn testimony, the Clinton administration officials asked the Lord of Flies for all records pertaining to Republican Senators and Congressmen who had sold their souls to the devil. Satan willingly complied, sending soul-selling files that included, among others, the records for Alfonse D'amato, Mike DeWine, Trent Lott, Newt Gingrich, Strom Thurmond, Alan Simpson, Orin Hatch, Steve Stockman, and Dick Arney. Curiously, no records from Jesse Helms were found, but a spokesperson for Satan said that Mr. Helms had already sold his soul to the tobacco industry. A White House source defended the Clinton administration, claiming that the action had been an "administrative mistake, a bureaucratic error," and noted that only files up to the letter "Y" had been requested.
- ATT&T, Hell to Merge. Excerpt from Wire Reports, May 6, 1996: Despite warnings from the federal government of a possible anti-trust suit, communications giant ATT&T announced it would proceed with its planned merger with Hell. Said an ATT&T spokesperson, "This deal is simply too good for us to pass up. We feel that if we merge with Satan we can give our customers what they really deserve." Already industry insiders are talking about the proposed plan to make "call-waiting" sounds louder and more insistent.
- Hell to Sponsor Olympics. Excerpt from Press Release, April 28, 1996: A confidential source revealed today that the 2008 Summer Olympic games will take place in Hell. Satan, a long-time Olympic fan (ever since he discovered Tonya Harding), was reportedly overcome with joy at hearing the news. Satan had earlier attempted a bid for the 2006 Winter games, but was turned down when Olympic officials learned the frequency of cold days in Hell.
Satan Endorses Pat Buchanan! Excerpt from Press Release, February 28, 1996: A spokesperson for Satan announced yesterday that the official candidate of Hell for the 1996 Republican nomination for president of the United States of America would be television commentator Patrick Buchanan. "Satan has decided that Pat Buchanan really is our type of person," said the spokesperson. "In fact, we've got a whole new Contract for America for him to sign." In related news, two Buchanan campaign co-chairpersons were forced to take leaves of absence from the campaign after human rights organizations published reports indicating that they were actually demons from Hell.
- Jackson to Build Mansion in Hell. Excerpt from Press Release, February 13, 1996: It was announced today by singer Michael Jackson that he would be building a new mansion in Hell, based on the design of Cinderella's castle in Disneyland. Initial plans were for Michael Jackson to spend three months a year living in Hell, and the other nine months on Earth, until the singer's death, at which point he would spend all his time at his residence in Hell.
- O.J. Simpson Tries to Renege on Contract. Excerpt from Wire Reports, January 1, 1996: Lawyers for Satan today reported a decided victory in court, as Johnny Cochrane was unable to convince a jury that his client O.J. Simpson's contract with Satan had been infringed upon. Cochrane claimed that the former football great's contract with the devil provided for victory in all court cases, while Satan's attorneys argued that the contract was only applicable to criminal and not civil trials. The jury agreed with Satan, so the judge ruled that the contract stood. Satan would not return calls, but a spokesperson said that the Lord of Flies still considered himself "very close" to O. J. Simpson.
- Satan to Stop Clearcutting. Excerpt from Wire Reports, December 28, 1995: Satan announced that he would no longer clearcut in Hell, citing environmental damage. "It is simply no longer an option," Satan said. However, he did indicate that he had no intention of applying for Superfund money to clean up the boiling lava pits.
Old Scratch here again. I'd like to take the opportunity to clear up a lot of the lies and falsehoods that have been spread around against me. I've got a nastier image than Bob Packwood and worse press than Idi Amin. And because of what? Because of one book--the Bible. Doesn't that strike some people as a little strange? It's not as if the book is footnoted. A bunch of people living a long time ago wrote a sensationalistic best-seller, and I'm still living with the consequences. There were no libel laws back then; what could I do? Hey, let's face it, I've got better things to do than assuming the form of snakes and giving people apples. What sort of fun is that? "Hey, I made Eve eat an apple!" Boy, what a way to spend an afternoon. It's right next to watching a bowling tournament on television in my book of fun things to do.
No, I hate to break the news to you, but I'm basically a bureaucrat. That's right; no fancy bets over people like Job, no appearing to religious fanatics in the middle of the desert and offering them kingdoms. I'm a paper pusher. Yes, that's right: Satan is a dweeb. I've got my office, with my computer and my files and my Dilbert cartoons tacked to the door. I have to go outside the building to smoke, just like anybody else (most of Hell, however, is a smoking area).
Not that my job doesn't involve a lot of work. You think it's easy keeping track of so many lost souls? Devising the proper punishments? Frankly, the job sucks. For one thing, the location isn't so hot (except temperature-wise). Sure, I like reigning in Hell better than serving in Heaven, and all that jazz, but it ain't exactly the World Trade Center if you know what I mean. It isn't the Mall of America (although some portions of it resemble that place). I don't even get cable down here. And my Internet connection keeps going down.
But eternal optimist that I am, I keep going. And you want to know why? Basically, because deep down, I'm a People Person.
Resume
Name: Satan
DOB: I never can remember dates.
Marriage Status: Single, dating Mona Charen.
Education:
1. Right Hand of God
2. MBA, Harvard
3. Yale Law School
Honors:
Voted Most Likely to Go to Hell
Member, Sigma Sigma Sigma Fraternity
Ralph P. Eubanks Negative Action Scholarship
Publications:
The Seven Deadly Sins
The Old Testament (only the Book of Leviticus)
The Book of Mormon (that was a lot of fun)
Dianetics (as by L. Ron Hubbard)
Other Writing Credits:
Sketch writer, Saturday Night Live (1992-94)
Designed Proctor & Gamble Logo
Employment History
1. 80,000 BC - 7,000 BC: Angel
Responsibilities: Sweeping up heaven, washing
linen, various other menial chores.
Salary: All the manna I wanted.
Reason for Leaving: Creative differences.
2. 7,000 BC - 6,999 BC: Computer Consultant
Accomplishments: DOS 640K Memory Limit
3. 6,998 BC - 1,996 AD: Independent Contractor
Accomplishments: Sodom and Gomorrah
Fall of Rome
Children's Crusade
The Black Plague
The Inquisition
John Calvin
Various Wars, Pestilences
Slavery
The Great Depression
Adolph Hitler
Joseph Stalin
Chairman Mao
Joseph McCarthy
Three-D Movies
Easy Listening Music
Pol Pot
Moral Majority
"Three's Company"
Pauley Shore
Saddam Hussein
Barney
AFC Superbowl Teams
Works in Progress: Global Warming
Wal-mart
H. Ross Perot
Bosnia
"The Single Guy"
Rap Music
Soon to begin: Melanie Griffith's Political Career
References:
Baal
Beelzebub
Pat Robertson
Mike Tyson
Anna Nicole Smith
Old Scratch here again, and have I got a deal for you. You see, I'm an inveterate collector. Baseball Cards, Barbie Dolls, Guns, China--you name it, and I collect it. I've got rooms of the stuff; I just can't help myself. I go to garage sales, antique shows, auctions. I also collect souls. What are souls? Well, they're halfway between an object and a concept, I guess. Not much to look at; I only collect them because when my mother passed on I inherited her collection. But I add to it when I can, you understand.
That's where this form comes in. If you want to sell your soul to me, you no longer have to conjure up demons or anything like that. Just use this handy Web Form to state your terms. Voila! You've sold your soul in seconds flat. There's nothing easier, as long as your Web Browser supports forms.
Thanks for your Business!
Warranty Information: All Sales Final. No Returns, No Refunds, No Substitutions. A 7% Sales Tax is Applicable in California.
Old Scratch here. Hope you've been enjoying this Web Site. One place I think you'd really enjoy is Hell. No, seriously. Now, you're probably thinking to yourself, it may be a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to spend eternity there. But you couldn't be more wrong. Take it from me; Hell is the next Cancun.
Places to Go in Hell
Once you go to Hell, your journey isn't finished! There are lots of places to go within Hell as well. We let people take their pick from among the following (Note: Due to Scheduling Problems, Not All the Below Sites May Be Available. We Take the Liberty of Selecting Alternative Sites when this Unfortunate Incident Occurs.):
- V.I.P. Suite. This lovely penthouse apartment comes with its own scantily clad attendants who will fulfill your every whim and desire. Luxuriate in a warm bath or explore your large wardrobe of beautiful clothes prior to a night out on the town.
- Pleasure Island. If you like tropical getaways, this place is for you. Lush scenery, beautiful waves, wonderful beaches--and a host of friendly natives whose only desire is to serve you! This is one bit of paradise that isn't lost!
- Boiling Lava Pit. There's nothing quite like having your skin slowly fried from your body. Watch it pucker and boil as molten rock sears your flesh! Ever-vigilant demons prod you into frenzied motion at the same time with sharp forks! This is ideal for the person who likes to stay active.
- Bowel Trouble. Imagine yourself with a unique combination of several different intestinal disorders, and nothing to do but hold it in. It's as if your insides were waging war on you, and taking no prisoners! Get in touch with your inner self with this physiological phenomenon.
- Maggotville. Do you like to feel the carpet with your toes? Imagine the sensation of being stretched out on a carpet of squirming, flesh-eating maggots! Sit back and relax as they crawl into and out of your various bodily orifices. I hope you're not ticklish!
- And much, much more!
Things to Do in Hell
- Rock-Rolling. This aerobic exercise involves pushing a boulder up a hill. It firms the shoulders, thighs, and back muscles. Just don't lose your grip!
- Museum of Info-mercials. Develop your consumer instincts as you stroll the grand halls of this educational institution.
- Feces-Consumption. Consume your own weight in human feces in this eating competition. It may not be healthy, but as we like to say down here, ahh, what the hell!
- Filling out Forms and Standing in Line. One of our most popular activities is this bureaucratic bottleneck! "It's so realistic!" is what people tell us all the time.
- Listening to Yoko Ono. Hey, 'nuff said, right?
- And much, much more!
Meet the People of Hell
- Faustus. A short little fellow with a devilish sense of humor. You'll enjoy your frantic gambols across the blasted plains of Hell as our Faustus takes you on a tour of his favorite whipping activities. You'll think it'll never end!
- Asmodeus. What visit to Hell would be complete without a session or two hundred with Asmodeus? Let him flay the skin off your back with his talons as he vigorously asserts his anal love for you!
- Adolph Hitler. You would not believe the anecdotes he knows!
- Yog-Sothoth. Relax to a gentle acid-dripping tentacle massage from a real master! Who knows; if you hit things off, perhaps you'll be devoured and partially digested! You're always meeting new friends in Hell!
- Richard Simmons. Yes, he's down here, too!
- Infernal Singles Club. Did you ever have a "date from hell"? Well, now you can have as many as you want!
- And much, much more!
Last Modified June 27, 1996